2014-15 Chicago Bulls
Projected Record: Yeah, Right
Over/Under: Too High
2016: Doesn’t Even Matter
- Josh Okogie (Pick #20)
- Keita Bates-Diop (Pick #48)
- Luol Deng (Free Agency)
- Anthony Tolliver (Free Agency)
- Organizational Chaos (Trade)
- Jimmy Butler probably soon but not yet but maybe later who even knows
- Nemanja Bjelica
- Cole Aldrich
- The Very Soul of Karl-Anthony Towns
- Someday the Sun will explode
Writing this preview is a lot of work, you know? There are so many teams in the NBA.
Me: “Oh, I know what I’ll do, I’ll save all the most interesting teams for last to keep myself motivated through all the writing!”
Tom Thibodeau: “Hey, that’s fun. Do you mind if I just disrupt your whole shit for, like, the better part of a month?”
No, it’s cool, Tom. This is the best time to stage an organizational coup, especially while your best player is so desperate to leave that he thinks even the Clippers sound appealing. You know, the Clippers? The least successful franchise in NBA history?
Jimmy Butler will get traded the moment I publish this preview and not a second before. Andrew Wiggins will dap him on his way out the door.
Tyus Jones’ face is on a milk carton somewhere, with the caption “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS POINT GUARD?”
I wrote this entire preview on Thursday, October 11 and I refuse to edit it again, no matter what.
Here’s a Neat Stat:
4 — Number of Tom Thibodeau’s former Chicago Bulls playing on Tom Thibodeau’s team that was assembled by Tom Thibodeau
3 — Number of Tom Thibodeau’s former Chicago Bulls playing on Tom Thibodeau’s team that was assembled by Tom Thibodeau after Jimmy Butler is traded.
Most Valuable Player: Who Cares?
X Factor: Not Me!
Don’t Forget About: Tyus Jones
Too late, Tom Thibodeau already forgot about him.
Maggie Schultz (@88mugsy88)
I close my eyes at night and Tom Thibodeau dressed as The Penguin haunts my dreams. Black sludge dripping from the corners of his mouth while he rides Benny the Bull through the sewers.
Ok, maybe I’m being dramatic, but I have zero faith in Thibs’ ability to lead such a young team in the NBA, in the year 2018. I have zero faith in his ability to develop and I’m not really sure that he’s able to verbally communicate more than a series of very loud rumblings that sound like the noise a broken ice machine makes.
Yes, I’m dramatic.
I’m also crazy, so let’s do this.
WHAT IF JIMMY BUTLER ISN”T TRADED?
Yes, I know this is a very slim outcome but I like to imagine all the awkward passes and team chemistry. So much sass and so much side-eye. Nick — I mean, Andrew Wiggins calls for the ball and Jimmy throws it out of bounds the opposite way. Every Thibs post-game would be pure gold.
WHAT IF JIMMY BUTLER IS TRADED?
We all know this is the almost guaranteed outcome, it’s just a matter of where. There’s been trade talks of Phoenix, Miami, Houston — with every report coming back that the price tag for Jimmy is too high. Are you bored yet? Because I’m bored of the Jimmy trade talk. I’m ready for the roster to be set so we can move forward with the season.
WHAT IF ANDREW WIGGINS IS TRADED?
I’m kidding, I was just continuing a theme here. Ain’t no one taking Wiggs’ contract. We all know that. What I am holding out for is him to turn that corner, for him to be the player that we get glimpses of, a few times a year, consistently. We all know that Wiggins plays at his highest clip whenever he plays the Cavs, so my only hope is that he takes that energy and disintegrates every whisper of every negative thing Jimmy Butler has ever even hinted about him. Otherwise we’re in for a long season of long twos and no defense. I’ll continue to lobby to get his dog, Cassie, a courtside seat no matter what.
WHAT IF KAT IS TRADED?
Okay, I’m done now, I promise. I just need KAT to embrace his inner KG. That’s all I need.
Season Record: 39-43, 10th in the West
- I’m super excited to have Tolliver back POP A TOLLI I’M SWEATIN
- I will get blocked by the Wolves on Twitter if Rose starts more than 10 games this season.
- I didn’t write about Tyus because I will cry if he’s traded.
- I didn’t write about the rookies because you must’ve skipped the beginning of this.
- I don’t dislike Jeff Teague.
- I have a completely insane conspiracy theory that this trade request is actually the brain child of both Thibs and Jimmy. No, I will not expand on this.