The Timelord Prophecy

Earlier today, Tom Westerholm of MassLive published an extremely fun piece about Boston Celtics rookie Robert Williams and the origin of his famous nickname: the Timelord. Now, the mind behind the nickname him, Ryan “Riffsman” Hebert, returns to my slightly less professional publication (having previously contributed to my Celtics and Pelicans season previews) to tell the tale of the Timelord in his own words.

Without further ado: The Timelord Prophecy, straight from the Riffsman himself.


It occurs to me that despite the valiant championing of the Weird Celtics Twitter cause by the noble TomwesterholmfromMasslive, there is a full history of The Timelord Prophecy that needs to be told. It also occurs to me that world leaders have been enabled to silence those speaking truth about worm holes and funk with tools such as Bonesaws and the block button/spam feature on Twitter dot com. As such, the truth must be told.

Me and Brianschroder (@Cosmis) spend a lot of time watching prospects. He does it because he’s a serious draft writer who is insanely Smarf and I do it because the Celtics have a billion picks and I’m Insanely Dumb, and Bored. Also I do a lot of stupid comedic writing and I try to figure out the dumbest and most insane aspects of a player’s game or personality before I write about them in the NBA.

Two years ago I found Robert, who instantly became my favorite player over even the really good ones.

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He had a bad game in the NCAAs, which pained me greatly, and as I always do with the Celtics/Pelicans, I dealt with the loss with irony.

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Which became even funnier on draft night (the dates pictured above) when he fell to the Celtics because teams said they questioned his effort, which I thought was insane because he was a two time SEC DPOY.

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That night on WCT was insane. It became like a playoff game as we could see he was gonna make it to the Celtics. And everyone knows a playoff game in my mentions is like part Funkadelic concert and part literal riot, so it was wild. I had already predicted mid-game that Smarf would beat the rockets by double grifting Harden off-ball five minutes before it happened in the game and we’d all been joking about me being a prophet ironically just because I’m online so much that eventually you get something right, just like any draft analyst who says he loves literally every prospect in the draft. Like, no shit you were right about a pick working out, you liked all of them lol. So now I had a two year ahead of time prophecy about my favorite player, and it was capped off by AdrianwojnarowskiffromSpoilingdraft doing soft core erotica to skirt ESPN rules about him Posting. So TIME was at play in this thing, and FUNK was a factor.

Then, Robert’s well-documented first two days where he didn’t get to the presser and practice on time happened, which ruled. I’m irony poisoned, but to me it was hilarious. Manny Ramirez is the first athlete I loved and it was very Manny. And as they do, local writers and talk radio people overreacted. The whole point of WCT is to make fun of them, and media in general, being too uptight. I ain’t trying to watch basketball like Robertwilliam is a hedge fund. These are people who would have their breakfast plate at Friendly’s returned to the cook because their sausage link had slight charring. Absolute jerks who need to be Owned, on and off,,line.

So me and Brian started joking that he wasn’t late, he was operating on a different timeline concurrent to the one we are in, as evidenced by the fact that I knew he was a Celtic two years before he was a Celtic. And I would do it with people taking themselves really seriously, because in a Moral Universe these people need to know they’re nerds and cops. So from there he became a T I M E L O R D, like the characters in Doctor Who whose time travel can tie together terrible holes in the plot of a shoddy script lol. He is the answer to how I make profound prophecies, like making last night’s game riff Flashlight; a Parliament song which came on in the arena right before a possession in which I predicted a Mook game-winner.

And then these happened

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Basically, Timelord boiled down to the psychedelic spiritual prediction of the Celtics drafting Robertwilliam in 2017 and also defending him against turd people who were earnestly acting like they’ve never been late to work in their lives lol. You cowards know you’ve missed a deadline at work because you got mad on the WEEI caller line about Al Horford missing a game over his wife giving birth. And you’ve definitely cried about the tyranny of family court. Admit that you have been owned by The Riffs Man, Cowards!

WCT is a bizarre place but we genuinely love the characters and personalities and people on the team, and we are online so much that we have to do absurd things to show people how stupid it is to say a mega athlete with a savant-like feel for timing blocks and passing is a bust because they missed a flight. We all love Robert and are pulling for him as a pro and as a person and this is our bizarre way of going about it. May the Time Lord crush his enemies.

Lol
-Riffsman

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